Noir on Holidays
by Altena Q
Summary: It's a high time that even Altena have some fun. Let's see if it is possible to have peaceful vacation for Soldat Priestess or her Assassin... and when they meet Kirika and Mireille...  parody/yuri, pairings: Altena/Chloe; Kirika/Mireille


Author's note: this fanfic is originally written in Polish ( .net/s/3571236/1/Noir_na_wakacjach ). This is my first so long translation, so any critical comments, corrections, suggestions and so on are highly appreciated. And one more thing. This is a parody - not everything has to make sense – if you like yuri, enjoy

NOIR ON HOLIDAYS

- Altena, don't you think it's a high time to go on vacation?

The Priestess almost dropped the Manuscript, which she was just putting solicitously back on the shelf. She looked at her beloved Chloe, who, jauntily basing herself on the bas-relief representing ancient Noir on the door, asked her this question.

- You promised me, remember? - the girl rose more resolute tone of voice, looking at her meaningfully, very meaningfully... It did not escape Altena's attention, that again, she wore only that short, airy tunic, this time without the little "dagger-pockets" inside.

- Well...

(Now, we leave the continuation as the matter of conjecture, because it was clear, that when Chloe was dressed like this, Altena wasn't able to refuse her anything.)

Two days later.

- Chloe, are you sure of this? - Altena asked the third time, uncertainly shifting her hand after slimy, though solid looking fabric.

- Completely. This is exactly what you need!

- But...

- Just try it on. PLEEEEEASE...

Once again, Altena looked at black, military trousers, stretched on medieval bed in her bedroom. The expression of her face was... uncertain, to say the least. And that was a rare thing for Altena. In fact, it happened before only once, when she and Kirika almost got burnt in that fiery well under the Manor. But it was long ago and she managed to erase it from her memories. Especially since Kirika and Mireille sent them conciliatory Christmas Card... Well alright. Kirika sent. With the note, that she persuaded Mireille (in the way which we will not mention in public of course) that shooting Altena was not what would make Corsican Blond Assassin happy anymore. Besides, the timeless magic of Christmas Spirit... Well anyway, Kirika occupied Mireille enough for her to stop thinking about revenge and The South of France could breathe, relieved. As for Altena, she could finally focus on Chloe... I mean grapes, naturally. I forgot to add, that Chloe herself got stabbed by Kirika's fork, but after the whole anime was finished, it turned out that the wound was not so threatening as it previously seemed (the fork hooked on one of daggers hidden in internal pocket of her tunic). Besides, Chloe also wrote a letter to Kirika, that she wasn't angry anymore and their quarrell was completely unnecessary, because at that time Altena also managed to persuade her that being Soldat Messenger by her side was far more interesting than Noir. She convinced her well. Very well. Chloe was blushing for entire month only thinking about that. Then, in the same way, she convinced Altena that...

- Time for vacation! Without missions and these awful black limousines. We are going on motor bike to Toulouse and from there on Côte d'Azur. I've made reservation for us in a fine, trade 5 star hotel. Just for people like us.

And so we've come back to the moment, when Altena was resignedly looking at black military trousers brought straight from Paris ("The Highest Priestess of Soldat will not wear anything cheap, sure we can afford it, can't we?")

- People like us? You mean for Soldat? I didn't know such hotels exist... - Chloe rolled her eyes.

- No. I mean hotel for gays. Gay couples. Homo. Lesbians. Such, as we are. Unless you'd rather pretend to be my auntie?

- Chloe! - indignant Priestess finally took trousers to the hand.

- Humph... my size... - she muttered with approbation. Chloe looked satisfied.

- Splendid! Now, the rest of your outfit... and shoes - out from the cardboard, she took out a pair of black knee boots. Altena sat on the bed with the total resignation.

Next day.

- Are you sure you know how to drive this?

- I am! I had plenty of time when you sent me after Kirika. I have learnt lots of stuff...

- I don't wanna know... - Altena muttered and almost screamed, when Chloe, with the squeak of tyres and roar of the engine, moved brand-new Kawasaki down the sandy road, toward the highway. Altena took her waist more tightly and wondered, how big was possibility, that somebody from the village on the way would recognize them.

The trip passed quite smoothly. Of course, not counting the two motorcyclists at the oil station under Perpignon, attempting to "make friends" with them. It turned out however, that Altena also remembered something from her old trainings, before she had become Priestess, also the lesson they had from Mireille at The Manor did not go for nothing.

- Damned culturists... – cursed the Harley rider, slowly collecting his jaw from the ditch and picking debris of the miniature rainbow umbrella from his left eye.

- How did you do that? - Altena asked curiously, once they got to Marseilles.

Chloe proudly presented small catapult with paper rainbow umbrellas stuck on thin, sharp daggers. The Priestess looked with appreciation.

- Finally I know, what you were doing instead of the theology studies last week.

Chloe grinned.

The hotel was small, though luxurious, with gorgeous sea-view. Their suite was on the third floor, without the terrace, what made the access, both, from the roof and the ground level, impossible.

- Safety first - declared Chloe after she had documented their reservation.

- Danke schön - a boy from bell staff thanked Altena, receiving the tip. At the last second Priestess reminded herself about her German passport. The next idea of Chloe ("You will be more anonymous this way.").

In fact, they did look extraordinarily. Chloe, with her somewhat blustering hairdo and evident Asian lineament, and Altena, with her impressive light brown, almost blond hair, this time buckled up at the top and with sunglasses in Claudia Schiffer style. Female part of the hotel looked at them with evident envy.

- So, what now? - asked the Priestess, when they have settled in the suite.

Chloe vigorously threw off her clothes.

- Now I am going to take a shower... - she looked slightly through the arm.

Exhausted Altena fell on the bed.

- Where are you taking your energy from?

She heard only quiet giggle from inside the bathroom.

- Let me think, who trained me...

The rest of Chloe's answer silenced in the noise of running water.

After a while Altena sighed and rose, to reach her backpack in search for something more suitable to wear. Astonished, she drew out several sets of bikini and colorful beach wraps. She didn't even notice, when Chloe managed to bring it to the Manor. Not that she regretted. Attired into one set, she stood up before the mirror.

- Not bad... she smiled slightly to herself and looked at the bathroom door with consideration.

In the meantime, two floors below...

- Of course, we have your reservation - hotel clerk smiled to elegant Japanese girl. She took the room key and smiled to sexy blonde beside her.

- Look, Mireille! We have a suite with the sea-view, on the third floor...

The next day, the coast of Marseilles.

- Chloe, you really couldn't find more crowded beach.

Altena looked sceptically at line of beach chairs, placed one at another. When they finally managed to find two empty chairs, it turned out, that next to them were lying three Italians, clearly happy to have their company.

- There is almost empty section of the beach 500 meters from here, but...

- So what are we waiting for? Let's go!

- But... Altena, wait! Al...

Sexy blond in deeply cut bikini passed by Chloe. "Similar to Mireille..." she thought, but then, she realized that Altena had already vanished in the crowd. She ran after her, gathering more and more bad feelings. Finally, she saw her long way ahead, but when she wanted to run up, an ice-cream seller with the coloured cart cut in her way. Chloe barely controlled the sudden urge to use some her daggers. When she caught up with Altena, it was already too late. The Soldat Priestess was standing still at the entry, clearly uncertain, what to do now.

- I tried to tell you... this is... the nude... beach... - panted Chloe.

The same day, Evening.

The hotel restaurant turned out to be quite charming place. Dimmed lamps, lighted candles on tables, little vases with red roses, all that created romantic atmosphere. Even Altena relaxed after the beach adventure and sitting opposite Chloe, she was slowly eating her ice-cream, very suggestively. Chloe felt, that this night they would not fall asleep too quickly.

- Mireille, come on! - Kirika was standing impatiently at the entry, looking at her Corsican partner finishing to dress herself up at the supper.

- Just a minute, they don't close here early - once again Mireille checked her hair and reassured herself, that her new, bought the same day purse ("That would be number 45 Mireille... What in the world are you going to do with so many purses?") fitted perfectly to her shoes. Then she straightened up, exposing her perfect, sexy neckline (Kirika felt that suddenly the temperature in the room turned out to be somehow hot) and smiled brightly.

- Shall we go?

Kirika refrained a sigh.

Altena payed the bill and holding Chloe's hand, she led her slowly towards darksome at this time corridor leading to their suite. A feminine silhouette entering the elevator flashed before the stairs. Altena however didn't look, completely occupied by Chloe's hand, that was no longer holding her hand but moving down through her back instead...

Next Morning.

- Kirika, this is the fourth ice cream of yours, how can you eat this much?

Feeling both, amused and resigned, Mireille watched her girlfriend eating dessert with obvious appetite. Kirika ignored her, busy watching the street outside. And there was plenty to watch. First appeared the police cordon, marching before the line of painted, flowered cars. Then, before the eyes of surprised hotel guests, having breakfast on the elegant terrace, appeared the crowd of dancing people, dressed (at least the female part) in rainbow t-shirts. They were giving colored balloons to everybody, who passed by. Then, the police cordon tensed, watching something outside this peculiar parade. The reason of their alert became clear after several minutes. From the opposite direction, toward the colorful procession, approached another one. The smaller group of aggressively looking teenage skinheads, making impression of modern "hitlerjugend", was coming closer and closer, chanting loudly:

- No more perversion in Marseilles! We will clean this...

The bald leader interrupted violently, holding his own throat. His surprised comrades only managed to see something like colorful rain coming from unknown direction, before it started stabbing them into faces.

- Chloe, I told you, not in public!

Outraged Altena closed to the window, from which Chloe fired her little umbrellas from the catapult.

- But look, now they are remotely controlled! It looked as if they fell from the sky!

Altena sighed, though feeling more and more amused, she realized that she was hungry.

- I am going for breakfast, we'll meet on the terrace!

The hotel manager looked at her nervously.

- I am so sorry, Madame, but all tables are occupied... unless you would agree to join somebody...

- What's that supposed to mean? What kind of five-star hotel is this?

- But maybe...

Pissed off Altena went out to the terrace. One of the biggest tables had only two seats taken. She approached fiercely...

The phone rang in Chloe's room. With the glass of Coca-Cola in her hand, she picked it up.

TWANG!

- Kkirika?

- I know that you're surprised, but... I've recognized your daggers and I guessed, that... well anyway, could you please come to the terrace before Altena and Mireille demolish this hotel?

(Door slam.)

Chloe practically flew out from the suite.

- My cake... - the chef groaned, looking at what remained from his tiramisu flowing now from the faces of two sexy blondes standing on two opposite sides of the table and hissing at one another as furious kittens.

- You spoiled MY VACATION!

Mireille caught the wine glass in her hand. It was too much for the waiter. Guests also quickly evacuated themselves from the area.

- We are closing this temple of perversion! - five bald skinheads broke through the second door, arousing squeaks among the female part of guests still present on the terrace. The chef covered his face with hands.

- I want to go to Holland...

Ueeeee! - the fine rain of rainbow umbrellas flew from the side of the garden. Unfortunately, they missed intruders' heads, hitting only one into his left eye. Altena and Mireille looked at each other and then, at the impressive lemon-cake at the chef's dessert cart.

- Once, two, THREE!

Perfectly synchronized, they jumped to him. In the next moment bald boys were scratching lemon cream (already full of sticky umbrellas) off themselves.

Kirika stood in the corner and watched the whole scene, smiling with satisfaction.

- Now, who said that Altena and Mireille cannot get along...

THE END :)


End file.
